recommit... how?

You’ve heard it from me before… “it’s a new month, so I’m going to focus and get back on track.”

But have I? Nope. Not for a long time. Heck, it’s been a month since I last blogged. I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to get back on track.

Part of me has this silly idea that my lack of running is tangentially related to my new job. Insane, right? I mean, I’m working at a running company, surrounded by runners, in a place so run-friendly that it’s both acceptable to take a break in the middle of the day to go for a run AND to attend meetings in your sweaty workout gear.

However, I feel intimidated by my peers. They are faster and fitter than I am, and I know many of them don’t consider me a runner. I overheard a colleague – a very fast guy – say, “NO, Oprah didn’t RUN a marathon. She COMPLETED a marathon.” Given that Ms. O was almost an hour faster than ME, I wonder if I even “completed” mine? And sometimes we talk about “fitness runners” in uncomprehending tones. “Some people are happy just getting in their 15 miles a week.” Umm, okay…

I live in some fear that I will find myself forced to run with my colleagues one day. My colleagues who are MUCH FASTER than I am.

Perhaps I should point something out here. Other than Wil, I have only ever run with one other person: Lindsay. I’ve never run with anyone else I actually know. Sure, I’ve run lots of races surrounded by strangers. I’ve even chatted with people throughout races. But with two exceptions, I haven’t run with friends. Why? I guess I worry that they’ll see how slow, ungainly, awkward I am as I galumph along. I worry they’ll laugh at my jiggly bits. I worry I won’t be able to keep up. I worry that I can’t run anymore. I worry that they’ll think less of me.

Now, the rational me knows that’s all stupid. But even as I type that, I hear myself say “but a lot of it is true. I am jiggly. I am slow. I often can’t keep up with people.”

Obviously I have a lot tied up in this.

I look back over this blog and over my running scrapbook, and I marvel at how far I have come. Not that many years ago I pooh-poohed the idea of running a marathon. Now I’ve run three. (BTW, the evil voice just said “COMPLETED” in a nasty, sarcastic tone…) I’ve run 14 half marathons and a few 5 and 10Ks. I keep adding to my running charm bracelet with glee – and it gives me such pleasure to look at it an think back about the races, the accomplishments.

But still… what happened.

On Thursday I ran in Boston – not far, not quickly, and I got lost enough that I had to stop to look at the map pretty often. But it was still good to run a little.

I saw a blog the other day called B’s Fit Journey. The woman had mentioned her shoes so I tweeted about her blog. Her blog was really moving, really inspirational. She lays it out there – she posts photos of her progress, which seems so brave, so audacious. You’ll note, of course, that I am not posting photos. :)

I also read a bunch of race reports from the WDW Princess Marathon… and a lot of them mentioned meeting up with people for the first time – people they’d met on discussion boards. It made me feel wistful and miss the community of runners. Not that the Disney Running community is right for me anymore, but it was nie reading the discussions and “meeting” other runners. Of course, when we were at the races I was too shy to talk to anyone! (Dork!)

Sometimes I think about it C25K program. What if I started it again? What if I really could stick with a program?

I need motivation. Obviously events aren’t enough! (See my Mardi Gras race report!)

I’m about to write a survey for work – “why do you run?” – which will contain questions about what motivates runners. So hopefully I’ll find something to motivate me!